The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This may come as a shock to some of you, but Christmas isn't a really big deal in China. Who knew. You don't really see any sort of decorations out, and the only times you hear christmas songs are when you are in a grocery store that tries to create a more western atmosphere. Despite all of this, the other teachers and I forged ahead with Christmas. We bought a tree, decorated the apartment, and did secret santa. At school we had a christmas party, and I had the honor of playing Santa himself. It was a blast and the kids loved it. It was the first Christmas away from home, which was a bit weird, but we made up for it by having a big Christmas party at our apartment on the 25th. Now, I am off to Thailand for a week to enjoy some warm weather and usher in the new year. My new year's resolution is, as it has always been, to be a better person than I was last year. I hope you all had a merry Christmas, and I wish you all a happy new year.

Part I, A Day In the Life

A Day In the Life

My fellow teacher Joel kind of gave me this idea. For one of his advanced students he wrote a short piece detailing one of his days. I read it and thought maybe I would give it a shot. I will write it in multiple installments (just because of how long-winded and full of myself I am) and we’ll see how it goes.

 Part I

The Phoenix

I don’t have a real alarm clock. I use the $30 cell phone I purchased on my second day in Wuhan, China, and the alarm is uninspiring. As it goes off, the only signal my brain sends my body is that it wants more sleep. Painfully, I ignore its pleas and open my eyes. It’s Friday morning.

For most people, or at least the ones I know, Friday mornings are the beginning to the last workday of the week, a prelude to the weekend. Not for me. Friday is my Monday. I am in China.

The air around me is freezing cold. Our apartment somehow manages stay below the outside temperature at all times. It defies what limited knowledge I have of physics. In my room, I can see my breath. I exhale, inhale, repeat. The irony is that though I’ve lived in Canada, I am for the first time in my life bothered by the cold. Cold air is one of the least appealing things to wake up to, and this morning is no exception.

I am wearing sweatpants, two layers of sweaters, and double socks. I leave my bedroom, fueled by my desire for a hot cup of coffee. 5 minutes later, a boiling cup of instant Maxwell House Coffee is keeping my hands warm is I step into the bathroom. The tile floor is still wet from showers from the day before. Chilly temperatures make for a poor drying environment. As I prepare for my shower, I dread the feeling of my bare feet on the cold tile. I do not turn the shower on in advance, because that would waste our hot water supply. When I am ready, I hop into the hot shower, my sanctuary from the cold. My body wants to stay forever. My internal clock turns on and says the hot water will last for another 7 minutes.

27 minutes later. I am clean, dressed, and caffeinated. Ready to face the day. Did I forget anything? I look around the living room. Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced English textbooks litter the room. I pick up the ones I need for today. Mostly beginner classes all day, then my most advanced class from 7-9. The extra 15 minutes I decided to sleep have cost me my breakfast, so I know I have to hurry if I want to grab some dumplings from the cart across the street. One more mental double-check. Left shoe on. Right shoe. I open the door. My weekend is over.  

The Walking Chinese

Have you ever been walking along, texting on your phone, when suddenly someone passes you? Did that piss you off, knowing that he had somewhere important to be while you didn’t? Well you no longer have to live with this frustration, and can instead frustrate those who dare surpass your pathetic pace. The solution: walk like a Chinese person. The Chinese have developed a method for making it nearly impossible to pass them on foot. I will attempt to outline their basic technique so that you can learn this ancient system.

Step 1

Walk really slowly. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is the rock upon which this entire system is built. If you are walking at a reasonable pace, there is no need for anyone to pass you, and you will have given in to the dark side of medium-to-fast paced walking. Walking slowly is not only the basis of this method, but it is also symbol of solidarity against the people with places to be. Fuck them.  Oh, and if you are on an escalator, make sure to always stand in the middle, and never walk. It’s there to walk for you, why should you put in any extra effort?

Step 2

Do not walk in a straight line. It is easy to be passed when walking in a straight line. You only take up one lane when you do that. That is so efficient it makes me want to puke. To boost your inefficiency, never walk in a straight line.

Step 3

This is more of a corollary to Step 2, but it is the key feature of this entire philosophy, so it deserves it’s own step. Never be predictable. Predictability leads to order, which leads to efficiency. We’re not giving in. Be unpredictable. Change directions frequently, and with no discernable pattern. For example, walk in a straight line for a couple of steps, then switch to a more right-diagonal direction, then go diagonally to the left. Make sure to fill as many lanes as possible. Also, don’t make your pace predictable. A human being with a brain can quickly identify openings to pass if you set a consistent pace. Therefore, make sure to accelerate and decelerate often. Once you become adept at this, you can take it one step further by changing how strongly you accelerate/decelerate to further throw off the enemy.

Step 4

Always do something else while you are walking. Eating, texting, talking on the phone and reading a newspaper while walking are good places to start. This will serve to further frustrate the fast walkers, who will be jealous of all the time you have to read a newspaper and all of the friends you have who you are texting.

These are mostly basics. If you truly want to master this art, come to Wuhan, China, and see the true experts at work. Their natural habitat is along busy roads and around metro stations, usually on stairs or escalators. Also make sure to visit our website at www.walklikeanasshole.com and follow us on twitter #youshallnotpass

Next week: Stuck in traffic, being passed by pedestrians? Fuck that. We will explore how to drive on the sidewalk and teach pedestrians that sidewalks are for cars, not people.