The Walking Chinese

Have you ever been walking along, texting on your phone, when suddenly someone passes you? Did that piss you off, knowing that he had somewhere important to be while you didn’t? Well you no longer have to live with this frustration, and can instead frustrate those who dare surpass your pathetic pace. The solution: walk like a Chinese person. The Chinese have developed a method for making it nearly impossible to pass them on foot. I will attempt to outline their basic technique so that you can learn this ancient system.

Step 1

Walk really slowly. This may seem counterintuitive, but it is the rock upon which this entire system is built. If you are walking at a reasonable pace, there is no need for anyone to pass you, and you will have given in to the dark side of medium-to-fast paced walking. Walking slowly is not only the basis of this method, but it is also symbol of solidarity against the people with places to be. Fuck them.  Oh, and if you are on an escalator, make sure to always stand in the middle, and never walk. It’s there to walk for you, why should you put in any extra effort?

Step 2

Do not walk in a straight line. It is easy to be passed when walking in a straight line. You only take up one lane when you do that. That is so efficient it makes me want to puke. To boost your inefficiency, never walk in a straight line.

Step 3

This is more of a corollary to Step 2, but it is the key feature of this entire philosophy, so it deserves it’s own step. Never be predictable. Predictability leads to order, which leads to efficiency. We’re not giving in. Be unpredictable. Change directions frequently, and with no discernable pattern. For example, walk in a straight line for a couple of steps, then switch to a more right-diagonal direction, then go diagonally to the left. Make sure to fill as many lanes as possible. Also, don’t make your pace predictable. A human being with a brain can quickly identify openings to pass if you set a consistent pace. Therefore, make sure to accelerate and decelerate often. Once you become adept at this, you can take it one step further by changing how strongly you accelerate/decelerate to further throw off the enemy.

Step 4

Always do something else while you are walking. Eating, texting, talking on the phone and reading a newspaper while walking are good places to start. This will serve to further frustrate the fast walkers, who will be jealous of all the time you have to read a newspaper and all of the friends you have who you are texting.

These are mostly basics. If you truly want to master this art, come to Wuhan, China, and see the true experts at work. Their natural habitat is along busy roads and around metro stations, usually on stairs or escalators. Also make sure to visit our website at www.walklikeanasshole.com and follow us on twitter #youshallnotpass

Next week: Stuck in traffic, being passed by pedestrians? Fuck that. We will explore how to drive on the sidewalk and teach pedestrians that sidewalks are for cars, not people.